The Bucket List

1. Go on a cruise with Larry to somewhere fancy where he can sweep me off my feet.
2. Get a Brazilian wax.  Just once.  A sensitive area getting accidentally stuck in wax will cure this fixation I have.
3. Become satisfied with the life that I have and stop wondering what “could have” or “should have” happened.
4. Learn to sleep without being medicated.  Ambien does some crazy shit to your mind.  I thought it was warped before.  Someday, ask me to tell you about the Christmas Elves.  Damn!
5. To clean out my basement and stop hording things in it.  Is there really a point to saving your child’s dried up umbilical cord?  There should be a blinking sign pointing at me that says “Crazy”.
6. To make sure that my kids know that helping people should always come first, even before their own wishes.
7. To see Brett Favre’s penis picture.
8. To have the proposal from Larry that I have been waiting for since I laid eyes on him again after 10 years.
9. To relearn all of the things that I have forgotten.
10. To visit the site of my favorite horses burial and to talk to him randomly for no apparent reason, just like I used to.
11. Build a bike ramp out of pallets and survive the inevitable fall that will happen.
12. Live up to the expectations that I have made for myself.
13. To sing karaoke again and give it another chance.  Surely the next time I will come up with something better than Fievel’s version of “Somewhere Out There”.
14. To lose weight.  Lots of it.  I should follow the Two Finger Diet.  Eat whatever I want and follow it up with two fingers.
15. Once I lose said weight, buy some boobies that aren’t deflated.  Breast feeding sucks the life right out of you!
16. After weight loss and giant boobie implants, finally pose for Suicide Girls like I was asked to do years ago.  Nothing showing, I am very shy.
17. To learn to not fear picking up my son’s socks from off of his floor.

More coming soon!