Monthly Archives: December 2010

Chaos Ensues and Brings With it 10 POUNDS!

Argh.  Chaos, my dear friend.  You have returned and I must admit, I have not missed you.  It’s been such a short time since we last hung out and if I believe correctly, you turned my life upside down and made me damn near INSANE.  Why did you have to come back so soon?

I wonder, is chaos a real thing?  A word that should actually be capitalized liked a proper noun?  I think so.  It can cause so much trouble, just as much as a person!

My boyfriend Larry has been off of work for 3 weeks now, due to a work related injury.  I would like to think that I am jealous but I doubt that is the case.  I went from being sympathetic (which only lasted maybe a day) to being mad and then even madder.  How is it that you can go from, “Baby, I am so sorry that you hurt so bad.” to “Get off your bitch ass and make me some cookies?”  I mean really, I know he can’t walk and he can’t stand so why am I being such a witch?  I’d like to think that I am just giving him a hard time but in all actuality, I’m not!  Somehow in the past three weeks I must have grown a ten pound penis!!  I am grouchy, bossy and I believe the world should revolve around me.  The fact that it’s not, leaves me angry and scratching my balls.

In three weeks I have went from just being a pain in the ass to really wanting to give someone a “pain in the ass”.  And to top it all off, I have gained back 10 pounds that I tried so hard to lose not that long ago.  As much as I would like to say that it is a penis, it’s not.  My clothes still fit the same so I imagine maybe a stool softener would solve this riddle.  If you are as uptight as I am, I am sure nothing can escape.  I am holding poo ransom.  I’ll give it back once my life resumes to normalcy.  But seriously, when I turn around and check myself out in the mirror, it looks like someone sacked me in the back of the legs with a bag of pennies.  My dimples have dimples and rivets and the rivets have small children lodged in them, I am sure of it.  Don’t be surprised if you see me flying above I-35 like a squirrel.  If I get really pissed at Larry and start waving my arms, I will seriously take flight.  Argh.  Stress, it stresses me out.

Holidays haven’t helped.  I HATE the holidays.  It’s a terrible thing to say but people are so damn greedy that it disgusts me.  What disgusts me even more is the fact that while knowing how greed turns me off from the holidays, I am the first one to ask, “What did you get me?  I hope it’s not lame.”  This makes me cranky.  I also really miss having family during the holiday.  Having to share all three of my boys with their dad’s sucks.  The moment those kids leave, the holiday spirit walks right out the door with them.  I hope one day it will be easier but I don’t think it will ever really change.  The boys are my life and I am much more happy with them around.  Wait, they drive me crazy.  What the hell am I thinking?  Oh and my best present this Christmas?  It had to have been the period I woke up to at 7am.

So, for my New Years Resolution, I believe that I will just forget “resoluting” anything.  Why do we procrastinate and put everything off for one day a year?  Can’t we just take the steps necessary to change our lives every day without making an excuse to do it once a year?  Scary thing is that I know I have “resoluted” that before.  Grr.

So, happy New Year friends and family and weird people that may read this for no apparent reason.  I hope that 2011 will bring me less Chaos, more laughs, an uninjured boyfriend (preferably the one I already have), a billion dollars and a partridge in a pear tree.