The Worst Pain

15 years ago I never thought that I would be driving to work with tears streaming down my face and Adele softly singing in the background.  All over something horrible that my very own child would say.  12 hours ago, I told myself that it wouldn’t hurt so bad in the morning.  All these tears tell me otherwise.

My day was bad already.  I shouldn’t have looked for trouble last night because it had found me easily everywhere I tried to hide all day.  When my son was looking for someone to turn his anger on, I should have just let him place it with his dad like he was already doing.  I shouldn’t have cared enough to get involved.  Sadly, I did and I can never ever forget the pain that I am feeling at this moment.

Last night, my son wished that my kidney failure would speed up so I would just die.  Okay, he called it liver failure but I got the point.  Why did he want me to die?  Many reasons… but at the top of the list was the fact that his dad bought him Modern Warfare when it came out and I haven’t dropped everything to take him to get it.  He told his father that I was lazy and didn’t ever do anything else and that I always had excuses like the boys being sick.  Funny, I didn’t know that when he was stepping in vomit for 4 days that it wasn’t real.  I must have fabricated everything in my own mind.  I am surely crazy.

I know he’s a teenage boy, I know we all probably told our parents at one time or another that we hated them, maybe that we wished they would die.  We never noticed the pain or disappointment on our own parents faces because we didn’t care.  As teens and children, it was all about us.  When the tables turn, they are tossed over so hard they shatter in pieces with the splinters shooting into your heart and tearing your soul out.  They aren’t just words, you see.  They are so much more.

I was just a child myself when that little screaming kid came tearing out of me.  I was 17 and not much older than he is today.  I thought that giving birth was the scariest thing a parent could experience.  Boy, was I wrong.  Birth is the easy part.  From there it goes downhill fast.  What’s the most beautiful thing in the entire world is also the most difficult thing you will ever do.

I’m not sure how long I will carry a lump in my throat and a heavy heart.  I hope I forget about it soon but I have a feeling that this is something a parent never really forgets.  I’d rather have the “sticks and stones” and the broken bones than the pain of those words.

Mom, I’m sorry.


Posted on November 10, 2011, in Posts. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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