I can’t seem to stop the tears that are freely flowing tonight and it’s days like this that I hate animal rescue. I feel helpless and hopeless. The other day, my mom asked me if I should really be in animal rescue. I told her that it was all I knew to do. She reminded me of how much I cry and how much time I spend on trying to save animals and how my health is suffering because of it. I reminded her that I was put here on Earth for this and while it’s so damn hard, it’s also something that I know I am good at. If I am feeling so much emotion, obviously I picked something that I care about very deeply.
I had a long day today and I am still fighting very hard to keep a mom and her 9 babies alive. Watching them, sometimes I question the decision I made to save their life. I didn’t do any of this to watch them suffer. I did this to watch them thrive and for them to prove the world wrong. Maybe the only thing getting proved wrong here is me. Again, I freaked out and I led the charge with my heart and probably didn’t think any of this through. Okay, I didn’t think any of this through… but sometimes, can’t we just pretend that we can change the world? Isn’t okay to sometimes have faith in yourself and your beliefs? Well, I’m not planning on being given this one. I’ve fought hard for it and in the end, I’ll know I did.
I sit here watching my cell phone and waiting for that call that I feel in my heart is going to happen at least once in the next few days. My eyes well up at the thought of it and my heart aches. I’ve had a bad feeling all day and for my entire life, I’ve had this special intuition. Many times in my life, I’ve been able to feel that something is going to happen. Yup, I’m loony but you all know that by now. I think of those 9 little babies, those 7 girls and 3 boys, and my dinner comes up in my mouth. I swallow it back down and start to cry again. I pray to God and any other forces out there that they protect Heidi and her pups from death. I ask for more time, just so the world can learn a lesson from all of this. Not the lesson of saving dogs or what happens in shelters, I’ve tried to teach those but no one ever listens. But, I want to teach the world to not give up, even when everything is against you. I want people to know that it’s okay to fight for something you believe in, whether that is yourself or someone or something else. I really want to win this one but I guess, I always want to win them all.
I look within myself and I ask if things don’t go as I planned, will I blame myself? A faint answer from in my heart says, “Yes.” My mind tries to tell me that it’s wrong to blame yourself for something like that, for having faith, but I am still struggling.
So, tonight I look up at the night sky and I hope I don’t spot a new star shining brightly. I know that’s terrible but sometimes, we need those stars to shine from here on Earth. Please, just give me this one…