Tips for Surviving “Snownami”
Kansas City’s forecast for Thursday is 6-10 inches of snow. So, what’s my plan? What’s my survival guide?
- Remember that the forecast is likely that from a man’s perspective. They scare you into thinking you are going to get 12 inches but when all is said and done, you are lucky to get 3.
- A man’s contentment is only measured by the speed of his download from PornHub.
- A nice, long bath is out of the question if you are a mom. Prepare to spend a minimum of 2 days covered in your own filth. Shower NOW!
- Your dog will NOT want to go outside in the cold wetness. You can try to push them out the door, even throw treats out into the yard but nothing will work. Good luck with that.
- The kids will be running around the house like wild banshees. If you have Xanax, you may want to take them now. If you have Ambien, you may want to go ahead and take that, too!
- The roads will be crap. If you’re a moron, make sure that you hurry up and head out into the snow apocalypse and try to drive 65 in your Geo Metro. If you have a brain at all, stay home and let the morons handle it. They got this, I promise.
- Cold Weather Tourette’s (CWT). If you don’t know what it is, learn about it. Can’t find anything on Google? Stand outside my door and watch me when I have to let my dog out. CWT has no treatment and no cure. You may be suffering from CWT if you shake violently, utter obscenities and have an uncontrollable urge to punch something the minute a cold wind hits your body. Avoid CWT by staying indoors and by teaching your dog to use the toilet.
- Stock up on all the “not so necessity, necessities”. These include but are not limited to: bacon, bacon and BACON. Be prepared to venture out to the packed stores and to leave without your bacon. This experience does qualify for a CWT “freebie” in which you do not have to experience the cold wind to feel the pain all the way to your core. Shout obscenities freely. If you come into contact with law enforcement, just let them know that there was no bacon at the store.
- Find a great book to read and then, just remember that you have it. Really, even though you are snowed in and you have no life, you still have Facebook. Who still reads nowadays anyway?
- Stock up on toilet paper. Snownami will most definitely effect the crapper usage in your house. Snow days bring a full 24 hours of candy, cupcakes and junk food. Unfortunately, it also brings frequent bouts of poo. If you have a house full of 5 people like I do, you may want to put a Poo Sucker (aka septic tank cleaner) on speed dial. You’ll need it.
- Stay glued to the TV and prepare for the disappointment that will happen when Snownami doesn’t come. It’s a man’s forecast, after all.