Monthly Archives: March 2013

KC vs. DC (Part 1)

Wikipedia says that jet lag is: physiological condition which results from alterations to the body’s circadian rhythms resulting from rapid long-distance transmeridian (east–west or west–east) travel on a (typically jet) aircraft.  Well, Wiki, I believe you can “suck it”.  I disagree!  It doesn’t take a trip from coast to coast to be exhausted.  Just stick three kids on a plane anywhere and everyone on it will have jet lag and an urge to smack someone.  (disclaimer: this is where I say, “I do not condone violence.” blah blah blah)  Forget snakes on a plane, my biggest fear is KIDS ON A PLANE!

When I found out that I would be traveling to Richmond, VA for a work-related conference, I had the brilliant idea to include my family in on the trip.  I can tell you now that there is not enough Xanax in the world to prepare you for the combination of three kids, their first flights, east coast traffic and no escape from the little spawns of the devil (wait, that makes me the devil).  I love my kids to the moon and back, everyone knows that.  But damn if they don’t make me want to yank every hair from my head sometimes.  <——— possibly the under-statement of the year.  My kids are ADD, ADHD and many other acronyms for “crazy ass kids”.

A few months ago, I secured our flights, rental car and hotels.  I guess I didn’t take into consideration how much everything costs nowadays.  For the cost of those three things and the short-lived happiness of a vacation, I could have had the breast augmentation I’ve always dreamed of and a life full of joy.  Missed that chance.  Again.  I should have had it years ago with my EIC (earned income credit) from the IRS.  Because THAT’S a good use of a credit for making children. They are who ruined them in the first place.  Breast feeding three kids sure “sucks” the life out of your boobs.  Okay, I got off track… Redirecting myself now…

We had months to prepare everything in our life for the trip.  There was money that needed saving, arrangements for the dog’s boarding, packing, etc.  A week before the trip I called the schools to let them know the boys would be out and that they would need to pick up their homework so they could take it with them to be completed on the trip.  Of course, the smart-ass of the house tried to get his teacher to feel sorry for him by telling her that the plane was going to crash on his way home and that he really didn’t think that he should spend the last days of his life doing homework that he wouldn’t be able to turn in anyway.  Those of you close to me have a pretty good idea which kid said this.  Of the three, he’s the one most like me.  Sometimes it can be a good thing but much of the time, watch out world!

*** Stay tuned for Part #2, coming 3/28/13 ***

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16 annoyingly hilarious Harlem Shake videos starring pets

The Harlem Shake is a phenomenon that is showing up everywhere, no matter how much we try to avoid it.  Here’s a compilation of 16 of the BEST Harlem Shake videos starring human’s furry companions!

All videos are the rights of their respective owners.

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My Best Friend

My best friend is pretty special and he’s way cooler than your best friend.

My best friend leaves muddy paw prints through my house and permanent paw prints on my heart.

My best friend is hard of hearing when I yell at him but he can hear a cheese wrapper open in the next town.

My best friend passes no judgment on me when I’m at my worst, even though he knows I judge him every time he eats cat poop.

My best friend always forgives me even though I’m not so quick to forgive his love of used tampons.

My best friend showers me with kisses… after he’s been licking his butt.

My best friend destroys many of the possessions that I own but he replaces them with the best repayment of all… love.

My best friend never smells good, especially after a rainy day.

My best friend shares my love of the old sitcom Alf and he proves it by being in character and trying to eat cats.

My best friend always tries to play with me, even when he doesn’t feel his best.

My best friend never hesitates to sing along to whatever I am singing to.

My best friend never leaves me hanging when I try to give him a hi-five.

My best friend is eager to meet my friends and he shows it by sniffing their crotch and then offering to shake their hand.

My best friend loves the taste of trash.

My best friend never growls, even when I dress him up like a devil for Halloween or when I put a hair tie on his ears and call him “Onion head”.

My best friend listens to everything that I say and then he goes and finds something else to do.

My best friend licks away all of my tears.  Who needs a Kleenex when you have a great buddy like that?

My best friend leaves skid marks on the carpet but surely it’s only because he knows the carpet is brown.

My best friend has the worst breath imaginable.  But who could have good breath after eating all the trash, tampons, cat poop and doggie ass?

My best friend is scared of snowmen.

My best friend expects a treat when he comes back inside from going to the bathroom.  It teaches me a life’s lesson.  Out with the old, in with the new!

My best friend is 80 pounds (75 on a skinny day) of pure sexy.

My best friend proves all of your stereotypes about Pitbulls wrong.

My best friend can only sleep on a pillow because the floor just isn’t good enough.

My best friend gives me more joy than a million dollars could ever buy.

My best friend knows how to melt my heart… and then make me hand over my Skittles.

My best friend’s favorite flavor is red.  Red Twizzler’s, red Skittles, red gummy bears, red suckers.  RED

My best friend makes me laugh even when all the world around me says that I should cry.

My best friend helped me raise 3 children.  He also helped me mourn the loss of three babies that never made it here to meet him.

My best friend is the best brother ever, even if it is to 3 humans.

My best friend doesn’t have to update his Facebook status for me to pay attention to him.

My best friend could never cut his hair without me noticing because if he did, I would be like “WTF, how did you cut your hair?”

My best friend is the best “best friend” I could ever ask for and he’s my DOG.

Please Tell Me This is Just Hypochondria and Nothing More

I can say it, I’m a hypochondriac.  Most of the time.  I worry about things that are out of my control, I fret, I freak out and I imagine the “worst case scenario” in most situations.  I’ve never been a “glass his half full” sort of girl.  So of course, any possibility that I can jump to conclusions, I will.  My hope is that this time, I’ll be wrong and all of my worst fears will not come true.  I have to hope, I have nothing else to do.

On Saturday, I took my best friend of 13 years to the vet.  Okay, my best friend isn’t human.  So, sign number one that I may not be “all there” upstairs.  But if you had any idea just how amazing my best friend is, you would understand.  Anyhow, my worst worries about the appointment for a routine check-up were that a) my dog would be an ass and b) that there is always a chance that my dog could have heartworms or worms.  For a 13-year-old dog, I’m thankful that is all I typically have to worry about.  It could be worse.  He could be dead, he could have some type of disease, a billion things could be wrong.  Thankfully, we have been pretty fortunate.

As Bowser was getting checked out, his veterinarian went to check his mouth.  I wasn’t paying too much attention until I saw Dr. Carr open his mouth again.  The look on her face told me that something was wrong.  Then, I heard what I would never have imagined I would hear.  “Bowser has a growth inside of his mouth and it’s pretty consistent with aggressive Melanoma (cancer).  We need to get that removed and biopsied as soon as possible.”  My heart sank and bile rose up into my throat.  I did the best I could to hold my composure while she explained everything and while she finished up his exam.  The doctor asked me to go out to the waiting room and sit while she prepared a quote for surgery to remove the mass and to have it sent for a biopsy.  I sat there stroking Bowser’s scruffy neck while I waited for Dr. Carr to come back out.  In my head, a billion things were running through and I kept thinking back to the fact that when he was at the vet in late August for a dental exam and a broken tooth, there was no mass there.  Dr. Carr had confirmed as much.  I already was jumping to conclusions and I had convinced myself that the cancer had to be aggressive to have appeared that quickly and to have already turned his mouth black.

The doctor came out with the estimates for surgery and we discussed the options and I promised to call her soon.  Bowser was already scheduled for boarding there while I’m out-of-town for a seminar so I told her I would think about how soon we could get him in.  If you’re a pet owner, you already know that surgery and pet care doesn’t come cheap.  But while animals are expensive, the love and companionship that they give makes everything worth it.

I loaded Bowser up in the Yukon and I headed home.  As much as I told myself that I wouldn’t cry, I felt the tears running down my face as I shifted into gear.  I didn’t even make it out of the parking lot before I broke down.  Eager to comfort me, Bowser stood with his front paws on the console and he stuck his cold nose in my neck.  While normally he paces and runs around the car like a moron, he didn’t do it this time.  He stood on the console until I got onto the highway and then he laid down in the backseat and he watched me.  Bowser never lays down in the car… ever.

When we got home, I tried to not be sad because I knew that my 2 youngest kids would be sitting in the living room waiting for their beloved pooch to come home.  I got Bowser inside and the boys attacked him, eager to give hugs and to ask him how things went.  As I motioned for Larry to come outside and I sent the boys to their room to play, I saw Paris give Bowser a kiss on the head and then he walked off.  I told Larry what happened and he of course, told me not to worry because we didn’t even know anything for sure.

It’s been 2 days since I heard the vet tell me that my BFF could have cancer.  Two days and still I tear up at the thought of him or what we are about to go through.  I haven’t had time to write in months but really, it hasn’t just been because of the time, it’s just as much about emotion as it is anything.  Right now I am filled with so much sadness that all I really want to do is curl up in the fetal position and type until my fingers are numb.  I have so much to say, so much to tell the brown mutt that stole my heart so long ago but he would never understand.  All he understands is that the trash can is filled with pure heaven, his family loves him and spoils him and that candy tastes amazing.  His little brain could never comprehend just how devastated I am at the thought of him suffering or even worse, of him being gone.  And he sure as hell won’t understand how I am sitting here with all the contents of my trash can at my feet and that I haven’t yelled at him yet.

I wonder if I even fully understand just how much he means to me.

Bowser is scheduled for surgery next Friday.  If you are the praying kind, please keep him in your prayers.  If you don’t pray, we can use all the well wishes and luck in the world.

Photo courtesy of FixYourImages.

Photo courtesy of FixYourImages.

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