One Year Later… 365 Days Down, a Lifetime Left to Go
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To my beloved SG Black Knight,
It’s been 365 days since I last touched you, yet you are with me every day. I see your face in the sunrise, I feel your breath in the wind, I smell your scent in the air and I see you twinkling in the stars every night. It’s hard to explain how empty I feel even though my heart is filled with you. I just can’t believe it’s been one year since I whispered “good-bye” in your ear as you left this world. I wonder if I’ll ever stop mourning you.
We grew up together… inseparable and the best of friends, even during the worst of times. You were my rock, my angel and my family. For a majority of my life, you were everything. The day that you left for the first time, I was lost. My world ceased to exist and everything I knew was gone. I forced myself to move on, I told myself that it was what you would have wanted me to do. You wouldn’t have saved me all of those times to have me do something foolish in the end. Always my teacher, the lesson of you leaving was the hardest, or at least I thought it was at the time. It took 15 years but I started my life over. Eventually, I found my way back to you. I guess you were waiting for me to learn all that I was supposed to. I’m sorry I was so slow.
The day you came back into my life, all of my broken pieces went back together. Probably for the first time in my life, everything felt perfect. To walk in the barn and say “Hey, Old Fella” and to hear you whinny back at me brought so much joy. I looked forward to the end of each work day because it meant that I was closer to seeing you. Our moments in the sun were always some of the best. Just you and I against the world, like it always had been. We were the oddest superheroes ever.
The day you left me for the last time, I wanted to die beside you. The thought of losing you a second time was too much to bear. When I think of it, I still cry until my hands shake and my voice becomes weak. Why, why did you have to leave me? I know that you saw me there laying in your stall well after you had left your body. I stroked your beautiful mane and I felt so utterly lost. When I slipped your halter off for the last time, I clung to it and I wished you back but you never came. In the days after you left, I felt myself spiraling into a black hole. I withdrew from everyone, I spent days in bed crying until no more tears could fall. I began writing letters to my friends, letters that at one point, I was telling them “good-bye”. Of course, no one knew why they got the letters and now as they read this, I am sure there are lots of “WTF”‘s being uttered. One night during my weakest, I stumbled outside and I caught a glimpse of the sky and I saw you there, that bright star twinkling to catch my attention. As the tears stained my cheeks, I swear I could feel you with me. And so you pulled me out of the darkness once more.
As I sit here now with my stomach in knots and my heart aching, I think back to a young girl riding a beautiful black stallion through a field. Their hair is flowing in the wind as they race away from all the pain in the girl’s life. The two run until they can’t run anymore. Once they stop, the girl slides from the stallion’s back and then she wraps her arms around his neck and she hugs him, knowing her life depends on it. In that moment, the girl forgets the hurt and all she feels is love.
I still think of you like that. Only now after I hug you, you spread your wings and fly away.
I love you forever.