Today is December 1st, 2011. Beginning of a new month, a day that I am always excited for because it means my Shoe Dazzle and Just Fab showroom’s are ready. Yeah, I’m just shallow enough to love shoes so much that they make one day in my life way better than the others. Excited for the day, I woke up and made it to work only for 8:20 to roll around and ruin any chance of recovering my joy.
At 8:20 this morning, a good friend and fellow animal rescue worker, called me to tell me that a dog I was trying desperately to save, succumbed to injuries sustained during a car accident. In that instant I was moved by such a strong emotion of sadness and disappointment in myself. I listened to my friend tell me what happened and I could only mutter, “Uh-huh”. After the conversation ended, I quietly got up and shut the door to my office, sat down in my chair and was overtaken by grief. My entire body shook violently as I could no longer fight the stress and anxiety that I had felt since Saturday, when I first heard of this poor dog’s story. I was a failure.
It’s been hours since I blamed myself for the suffering and death of a little furball with no voice. I’ve heard countless people tell me that I shouldn’t feel to blame, but I still do. She had no voice with which to scream out, “I am in pain, please help me.” or “I’m tired, please let me go.” I should have thought things through better. I should have made the decision that I couldn’t save the world, not this time. Why didn’t I?
In the back of my mind and resting at the bottom of my heart lies the answers to my own question. I can’t. I can’t ever give up on something, whether that be a person, an idea or a helpless animal. My heart tells me that it is hurting right now and my mind tells me that it’s okay to feel such pain. Together, my heart and mind scream to me why I am the way that I am and they tell me of all the good things that can come from never losing faith in something.
I am an animal rescuer. I have a kind heart and a gentle soul. I will fight until the very end for what I believe and I will never give up, even when faced with failure. I will show failure my “crazy eye” stare and I will do all that I can to destroy it. Sometimes, I will fail. Sometimes, small pieces of my heart will break off and go with the soul of the ones that I can not save. Thankfully, the ones that I can save offer me pieces of their own hearts, which allow me to repair all of my brokenness. It is for this reason, this “regeneration” that continues each and every day, that I can continue on. I will pick up the scattered parts of me and I will dry my tears, lift my head and slip back into that super hero cape I keep tucked away for times like this.
In honor of Lena, the beautiful, strong and courageous soul that went to the Rainbow Bridge today. May you run free, visit me in my thoughts and help guide me through this cold world.