*I originally wrote this 9/24/10. Yes, it’s quite offensive but I needed a good laugh at myself. If you haven’t read or seen this side of me, beware! I did name my blog appropriately, as a reader, you just haven’t seen how completely ridiculous and uncouth I am. Most of you only know the sad, depressing dog stories. Oh, just wait!*
*Disclaimer… I’m sorry.*
Konnichiwa! It’s Friday night and I just had the joy of making the “Payday Wal-Mart Run”. It’s like a white- trash holiday every other week. For only two nights a month, I get to join the crowd that makes up People Of Wal-Mart. I get to let my mullet down, find my shortest shirt that shows a hint of nipple and saggy breasts, put on my tightest stretch pants that make my crotch look like a moose-knuckle and go stick some crap in my buggy that I don’t have money for. Yee haw!
So on this fine cool evening, I manage to make my trip to Wally World just in time to see everyone else in Missouri. Liberty Wal-Mart’s parking lot is like the game Mouse Trap. Around every corner you risk falling in a hole or getting stuck in a trap. While most of you already know that Wal-Mart is the trap and not the cheese, I must point out that this particular store has decided it would be fun to see a redneck in a 4×4 have to back most of the length of the lot when he realizes that there is a random chain link fence and no place to turn around. And of course, I am stuck behind said idiot and there is another idiot behind me that does not understand what those bright white lights are on the back of my car. I sit for what feels like an eternity while the redneck is growing impatient and just starts backing up anyway, I guess thinking he can just Monster Truck Jam his way over my G6. Lightbulb flickers on in the mind of driver #3 of the gang bang and he starts to back that ass up. Finally.
I hate mass chain stores, despise of them. I’m in a hurry and there are fifty million people walking like constipated turtles (which I believe would walk very slowly) and there are about 10 million that are unqualified scooter operators. I want to jump on the handicapped’s lap and tell them to drive me around because I’m going to have to wait on them anyway. Yes, I am sure I offended you. Let me rephrase that last statement. I want to jump on the chubby people that can’t get their cankles and thighs moving in the same direction for fear of the great Missouri forest fire. I want to jump on the people that do not have a Hover-round license to drive. So, due to the extreme scooter traffic in the bunion and foot fungus aisle, it took another 5 minutes to get vitamins.
The clearance aisle is the Blue Light special of Wal-Mart. It’s where they stick all the stuff that no one wants. I will refer to it as the Island of Misfit Toys. The Island cost me ten minutes while I was lodged between an old lady doing some placemat shopping and Atilla the Hun who has her cart turned sideways as she scurries through the shelves like a rat running from a cat. Atilla is opening every bottle of lotion and smelling it but I can’t for the life of me understand why. Next to Atilla was what I can only describe to you as a Wookie. The Wookie starts smelling the lotions and texting on her Tracfone so I started freaking out and feeling trapped and started backing over the old bag behind me. I did apologize. Sorta. Sorry Grandma.
While searching for something in the garden aisle, I found a misplaced clearance aisle full of back-to-school items and it was empty except for one person! Of course, I got to see all those nice dividers that I’ve had nightmares about since purchasing all fifty of them at $5 a piece. Look, now they are $1! Back to school is all a huge conspiracy to piss me off. I spent another five minutes trying to find Paris and Bristol a notebook to draw in because I found Levi an MU one and when being a mom you always have to be fair. What crap. Being an only child is where it’s at. If I could push two of my kids back in long enough to only buy something for one of them, I would totally do it. I’m that cheap. Okay, not that cheap, just that broke. While in that area I did get to see a bald woman with superhuman strength and reflexes like a ninja catch a box of notebooks that fell from the top shelf, all while she was holding a handful of notebooks. If that were me, I would have let them fall on my head and I would have made sure I sustained a spinal cord injury. I’m that cheap and just that broke.
Over an hour in to my shopping trip I finally make it to the checkout. I jumped into the one line that had one person ahead of me and an empty cart with about twenty items left on the conveyor. I eagerly started loading my treasures and waiting my turn. Waiting. Still waiting. Trying to be patient. Trying not to make a scene. Losing patience. I managed to find the one Asian on food stamps, government checks and who obviously has a subscription to a coupon group online. Oh, and she has to separate things because she only has so much on the checks and on her cards. On her 2nd group of purchases I hear the cashier calling out totals after every ring up and I am thinking to myself, “Oh shit.” The cashier tells her, you are getting closer…. closer… you’re almost there… it’s running down your face, I’m done. Hurry up! “You are at $51.35.” “Oh no! What can I do? Can you take some oranges out of that bag that you just rang up?” So, the cashier opens the plastic bag and starts taking out oranges and re-weighing the bag. She gets under $50 and then the girl finds more money in her white Hello Kitty wallet. Yes, Hello Kitty. Stereotype, I know. That’s why the blog is named what it is. Wow! The Asian girl that is probably forty but looks twelve then locates more COUPONS! The total changes and so the conveyor begins a slow crawl as the cashier starts ringing up more purchases. “Oh, that costs too much, take it out.” As we are nearing the end there is a bag of limes left and she’s near $50 again. The cashier tells her that she’s over and the girl tells her to start taking out the limes until she is back under $50. I must say that this cashier was possibly the most considerate person ever. If I were checking her out, I would have punched her in the face and maybe knocked one of her kids out of the shopping cart, just for fun. Asian girl is finally done and the cashier is completely exhausted and leaves! The girl tucks her Hello Kitty wallet back into her knock-off D&G purse and walks away in her Juicy sweatpants.
I called Larry and by this time it’s 8:00 and I was responsible for dinner and was still not home. I decided to run through Steak and Shake and grab food, like I was supposed to an hour or more ago. The place is crazy and there is a line to the street and I sat there for 5 minutes. Another line starts forming around the side of the building and the person first in that line is trying to creep in front of me in their Toyota. I pull forward to run a block, basically on top of the bumper of the SUV in front of me. I order my food, the drive through gets it wrong twice, they forget the onion rings, I remind them, they are out of Portabella for the burgers, I order something else and pull forward trying to resign to the fact that I am spending $30 on paper thin hamburgers to feed my family. I’m still sitting in the line, almost to the window to pay when the Toyota barrels around the corner and almost hits me. I’m pissed and I look back in my side mirror and what do I see? I see what may possibly be black hair on a child in the drivers seat of that tan Toyota. I look closer and I see a white Hello Kitty wallet attached to the frail hand hanging out the window. The Asian girl is behind me in line! While I wanted to stop and check my food over and over and take a bite of it and hand it back and say it’s wrong, I didn’t do it. I did remind the guy about the onion rings and I got my order and pulled forward. Two seconds later I notice that there are 5 deals of fries and no onion rings. It’s just another great night on the “Payday Wal-Mart Run”.